Who am I fooling but myself? I am going to, once again, be honest on here because I can, and I don't have to hear everyones reaction to it. I don't want to hear all the things that I already know. There are so many things that I don't allow myself to do/feel because I think "I should be past that point"--I know, I know that is crazy, but its me right now. I have struggled all week to put into words how I am feeling and I told myself that I would post something funny, upbeat next time. Well, if you are looking for funny, quit reading. I have to be real and let you all know what is going on inside this life of mine. I am really lonely, nothing new, but I have convinced myself that I am ready to move on and that I am not bothered by that but excited. So as you know I have taken steps in that direction thinking that 1 1/2 years is long enough to "grieve" so hard. I can honestly say I did a good job of fooling myself...As I talked to a friend of mine last night she asked me some really hard questions that I wasn't at all prepared to answer and my mask of being "ready" began to slowly peel away. Yet as I worked through these things on the phone with her and she didn't just tell me what I wanted to hear, I realized the things that I am missing with my friends now. The things that I need to have within my "girlfriends". I need people in my life who will speak truth into my life, not just what they think, but the Spirits truth. I need someone to ask the hard questions that no one else will ask for fear of how I will react. This is what I am searching for.
I also realized that my heart is still really broken...I don't know when the last time was that I allowed myself to cry until I made myself sick, until last night. It was the deep hurt that surfaced, finally, and I still haven't recovered from it today and that is ok. I can be sad, and it is ok.
So, here I am being honest...the last thing I want is for all of you to worry about me. I am ok, I promise and if I need you I will let you know. Right now, just pray that I would have wisdom and strength to get me through today.
I love you all.
2 comments:
Hi Christi,
Thanks for your comment. I'm so glad to have found someone to write to that won't ask me, head tilted, "How are you doing?" and I have to smile and say that I'm fine. I think that is the worst part about being "left behind," so us poor saps have to put on our faces for others.
I've been listening to a lot of Twila Paris and country music lately, and am in progress of making a CD for the mother of our lost loved one. Here is the list of music that I hope you find soothing to listen to. (My favorite is Hold On)
I will remember you - Sarah McLachlan
One more day - Diamond Rio
Who you'd be today - Kenny Chesney
Every heart that is breaking - twila paris
Angel - Sarah McLachlan
Wish you were here - Mark Wills
Wish for you - Faith Hill
Hold on - Twila Paris
I love you - Sarah McLachlan
Tears in heaven - Eric Clapton
Holes in the floor of heaven - Steve Wariner
The warrior is a child - Twila Paris
As I lay me down - Sophie B. Hawkins
I believe - Diamond Rio
How beautiful - Twila Paris
My wish - Rascal Flatts
I don't believe that grief ever really ends while we're on earth. Even knowing that our loved one is with God and is living with Him, without any pain, no worries of money or other wordly problems and feeling at peace, this earthly existence is all we know in our consciousness so we "relapse" into sadness. It is unrealistic to think that one can "move on" after a loss, because to do so would be to forget their existence (that's something people say after an ugly divorce) - however, I believe we can "move forward," love one another deeper and truer, and take the lessons we have learned along the way.
-Ming
Christi, If at some point you didn't write what you did I would have been worried about you. I think this post is just you sharing some very normal feelings. It's okay to just let go sometimes and have a tough day. That just lets us know to pray for extra strength to get you through it. We don't know what you are going through but we can always pray. love, patty
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