"Shattered Dreams"

The two year anniversary of Ian's death is quickly approaching...the 23rd. It seems as though all year long I dread that day because I don't know what it will hold for me emotionally, physically and even spiritually. Do I go to the cemetary and do my "duty", or curl up in a ball, or go out with friends...what do I even plan? This week I have been a student, or so it seems, because I have been taught a tremendous amount by my loving God. Honestly I don't know where to even begin. I have been struggling, quietly, for awhile. Sleep hasn't come easy, flashbacks from the accident haunt me at the craziest times, and emotionally I have been all over the board. In the midst of that, someone who loves me so much, had me listen to a Chip Ingram broadcast about Spiritual Warfare. As we listened, I couldn't help but be emotional as what he described was ME! I feel as though I am being attacked at the weirdest times. Spiritual Warfare is real, folks...I have always known it but never experienced like I have lately. But my God does not give me the Spirit of fear or guilt or anxiety...He is a loving God who wants my eyes on Him. Ask me for more details and I will tell you some crazy things, but I don't have the gumption to get into it right now. The end of the story is that I feel FREE! I know that prayer can combat all that I am feeling.
There is still grief, but I don't have to be afraid. There is still pain, but I don't have to be anxious about it, others have expectations of me, but I don't have to feel guilty about not doing what they want. FREEDOM is good!
Pain has a purpose, God uses all things for good. Our dreams may "shatter" but God is always in control. For that I am thankful.
Let me close this with a little bit of the book I am reading by Larry Crabb.
"Shattered dreams open the door to better dreams, dreams that we do not properly value until the dreams that we improperly value are destroyed. Shattered dreams destroy false expectations, such as the "victorious" Christian life with no real struggle or failure. They help us discover true hope. We need the help of shattered dreams to put us in touch with what we most long for, to create a felt appetite for better dreams. And living for the better dreams generates a new, unfamiliar feeling that we eventually recognize as joy." From the book, Shattered Dreams