So tonight I am up late as usual getting ready for the day tomorrow, and as I am ironing (a small miracle) Josiah keeps crying out. I keep going in there and he is totally asleep so I just try to ignore it. Well just now he cried out for awhile and I went in and climbed up on his bed with him and he was asleep still but saying "I want Daddy..." I asked him if he was dreaming and he didn't respond just cried "I want Daddy". Why is it that just when I feel strong that I am reminded of the pain? Is it my pride thinking that I can handle it all now and in a weak moment I am blubbering again. The strange part is, I am not sad for me...I am sad for him. I am sad because I can go on with my life and have peace knowing that Ian is with the Lord and in a better place, but Josiah still can't grasp the fact that he is not coming home to us...ever. I am sad because he won't have memories of playing ball or going to school when Ian was alive. I want to keep the memories we do have alive, but there is only so much I can do.
My head is throbbing and I feel like falling apart and yet there is just a heaviness around me now. I pray that Josiah will find Ian in his dreams, that maybe God would allow some of the memories to meet him in sleep so he can see for himself how much his daddy loved him. I will be ok...I pray that he will be too.
If you are reading this, I am ok don't be worried. Just pray for us tonight...that I would have wisdom and that Josiah can rest peacefully and have sweet dreams of his daddy.
2 comments:
Christi and sweet Josiah, there are lots of prayers coming your way. Josiah, we are praying that your daddy meets you in your dreams every night. Hang in there Christi, you are doing an awesome job. We love you both!
Christi, we will continue praying for you and Josiah. It is good that you share your thoughts and prayer requests. There are so many people that will keep Ian's memory alive for his son. I personally am encouraged by the things that you have written. You have become a strong christian woman, your wisdom and grasp of who God is, is comforting to me right now. My dad passed away Thurs. morning, I hope he gets to meet Ian in Heaven. Love you so much, Patty
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